Hollywood Writers Focus on the Movie, and not the Tagline - July 31st, 2006
This tagline for the film
F/X 2 is probably the worst tagline ever...
"Outgunned by the mob, outmanned by the cops ... their effects had better be special!"
That tagline inspired me to look up some other gems from Hollywood. Here are some other classics:
F/X: "Murder! Special effects? This time it's for real!"
I should hope so!Cheaper by the Dozen: "This Christmas The More ... the Scarier!"
What's really scary here is that this movie earned a sequel.Three Men and a Baby: "They changed her diapers. She changed their lives."
They certainly were right about the crap...The Firm: "Power can be murder to resist."
Huh?
Rambo - First Blood Part II: "They sent him on a mission and set him up to fail. But they made one mistake. They forgot they were dealing with Rambo."
They also forgot they were writing a tagline, not an incoherent group of setnence fragments.Jerry Maguire: "Everybody loved him... Everybody disappeared."
But only because they ran to the nearest church of Scientology "complex" to get their latest e-meter reading.xXx: "If you want someone to save the world, make sure it's someone who likes the world as it is."
and whose name sounds like a bad autobody shop.Deep Impact: "Heaven and Earth are about to collide."
No, thats just a big space rock. Not heaven. Heaven doesn't nearly kill Elijah Wood - heaven commits, focuses, and gets the job done. I shouldn't say that, I like Elijah.Days of Thunder: "You can't stop the thunder."
Unless you're Nicole Kidman.
Fast and the Furious: "If you have what it takes... You can have it ALL!"
And this movie is so bad, you can have it! Please.2Fast, 2Furious: "2Cool"
2Stupid.Double Jeopardy: "Murder isn't always a crime."
No, it also frequents as the cookie-cut plot of a couple thousand Ashley Judd / Morgan Freeman movies.
The bottom line here is that if you're going to see a Tom Cruise movie, check out the tagline - it's going to suck. Big time.
if I ruled the world - july 24th, 2006
(Today's TOMthoughts will be replaced with thoughts by me, from today.)
My dear friend Elby took time out of her schedule today to inspire me. This is important for two reasons, a) she is incredibly busy and her time is of immeasureable worth, and 3) it means she knows my name.
And so I present to you what the world would be like if I (Tom) ruled the world? :
Fluff would be the official food of planet Earth.
Punishment for shoplifting would mean being forced to eat with plastic utensils - for a period of 15 to 25 years.
Fire engines would make no sound. None whatsoever.
Daytime television would be more important than primetime television.
There would be no Pennsylvania Lottery, and thus, rather directly, no stupid lottery Groundhog.
the NFL would have a 21 game season, not including playoffs.
Beer would taste good (or at least better, because face it - that shit is bananas. b-a-n-a-n-a-s.)
MTV would subtract the "M" from their name, or actually add music into their lineup - either or.
Wal-Mart would realize that not every American is 60+, white, and loves LeAnn Rimes.
Politicians would vote based on their own ideas, not their party's.
'Fraggle Rock' would return for an amazing sixth season.
'24' would run, in its entirety, in one full day.
Tiramisu would be standard breakfast fare.
Female subtlety would be punishable by a fine of one sporting event.
Applesauce would get the credit it deserves.
The Gap would close its doors forever, trapping inside all people in Gap, Inc's upper-management.
There would be a four day work week.
This post would go on forever and people everywhere would love me for it...
tomFILMreport: "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"
Directed by Gore Verbinski
Written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio
Based on a ride by Walt Disney
Starring: Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom, Bill Nighy, Stellan Skarsgård, Jack Davenport, and Jonathan Pryce.
Released July 7th, 2006
Walt Disney Pictures
150 Minutes
Sequels, for the most part, suck. They take all that is fun and great about it's predecessor and suck the life right out of it. If there was a funny bar scene halfway through the first film, they'll make sure to put a longer funny bar scene halfway through the sequel. There will be also be a billion more product placements or tie-ins. There will be more advertising, claiming the movie event of your lifetime is almost here. Basically, movie companies duplicate a movie, inflate the ad budget, and eventually make us hate it and each of the actors for starring in it. 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest' is not that sort of a sequel. It is nothing short of fantastic.
Smartly, the producers (a tip of the hat to ol' Bruck) signed everyone from the original to star and work on the sequel. I mean everyone. Somehow Disney reeled in three of Hollywood's most sought after actors, the three stars of the first film, and lined them up for not only this sequel, but another after as well. Additionally, Walt Disney Pictures signed the director of the first, Gore Verbinski, to direct the sequels.
Essentially, Disney spent money to make sure that the integrity of the film would not change. There would be no character disappearing or dying because they couldn't convince the actor to return, there would be no character being replaced by some other actor that looks nothing like the original, and there would be no director deciding that the film should have a sepia tone because he wants to make it stand apart from the other. (the Harry Potter series suffers from this, as a different director comes in each time to give it their own feel - consistency is important, and WB doesn't seem to care) Disney knows that this film series is an investment, and to make sure your investment grows, you've got to protect it. Protect it, they did.
Verbinski keeps the same feel, the same vibe of 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl'. However, this movie seems to feel more like a movie to me. Its darker and its more story driven, and as a result, the film feels more like what you would have expected the first to feel. 'The Curse of the Black Pearl' is a great movie, don't get me wrong. It was written well, it established the characters fantastically, and it was great to watch. Comparitively, however, it seems more like a feel-good movie, more youth oriented for some reason. (Again, I am not bashing the original - I loved it. It's just that I love this one that much more!) 'Dead Man's Chest' seems more self-propelled. As soon as it starts, you're headlong in the adventure. Its more advanced, storywise. Forgive the nautical reference - it has more depth. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me though.
The film does have a few soft spots - Jack Sparrow clamoring for rum and talking to himself about clamoring for rum gets kind of old. Also, the plot moves a bit quick in the beginning, though its not too hard to figure out what you've missed. Aside from that, there really aren't too many things I can point out that I didn't like.
The film sees the introduction of two new characters, Davy Jones and 'Bootstrap Bill' Turner. Bill Nighy does a great job of wearing one of those skin tight CG-capture suits, because Jones is literally made up of computer animated sealife. I think you could see 'Billy Mack's' eyes though, they may have been real. The real gem in this movie is Stellan Skarsgård. He was fanastic in this film. His portrayal of a father trying to save his only son was actually very moving. I was very impressed.
Essentially, 'Dead Man's Chest' breaks the mold for movie sequels. Whereas most sequels leech off of the success of the first, this one builds upon it. There is a perfect blend of comedy, action, and drama. The acting is superb: each characters evolve and have plenty of surprises. Jack Davenport returns and becomes central to the story. He even paid tribute to one of the original scenes from the ride! He too was fantastic. (I'd love to sing more of his praises, but I don't want to give too much of his story away for those who haven't seen it) The ending of the movie reveals an amazing twist that should set up 'Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End' quite nicely. (Only a year away, I cant wait!)
The production team really deserves more credit than it will probably receive. There was a lot they had to do, and they did it all - and quite well I might add.
TOMS LINE: The only thing better than 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest' will be the DVD.
mondaysTOMthoughts - July 17th, 2006
It's been a while since I've had a monday to share with the internets (both good and bad iterations). Do I still have it in me?
The 2006-2007 Buffalo Sabres will swap their red and black color scheme for their traditional blue and yellow. Unfortunately, the revised logo will still promote an animal that has never set foot in Buffalo NY, instead of their actual team name. This, quite naturally, bothers me, but not nearly as much as the logo of the University of Miami - for some reason they feel it necessary to celebrate that they are a University, not that they are in Miami or that they are Hurricanes. Well done Coral Gables!
Yeah, for some reason that logo is on a yarmulke - kinda sacreligous, wouldn't you say?
(With the advent of Google Maps technology, I and many Buffalo-ans (Buffalians? Buffers? Buffalopes?) have hope that one day, just maybe, a buffalo will find its way into town...as we all know, buffaloes always screw up directions and they all refuse to use fold-out maps)
Anyway, some guy doesn't like the new logo and has come up with a cleverly named website to try to make some changes... ( http://www.fixthelogo.com )
Every country in the Middle East is angry at every other country in the Middle East. In other "I'm not really surprised at all" news, the Red Sox still cannot find a way to win on a consistent basis (read: all the time). It's rumored that one day soon, in fact, the Red Sox may win a game.
Tetris is an amazing game...especially when it is brought to you by Bruce Lee.
Today I will find out if I am headed to Austin, Texas, which is not, as far as I know, named after philosophy professor John Langshaw Austin (thanks philosophyprofessor.com!)
Am I pysched to be headed south to talk to someone about how well their bug spray works? The answer to that lies within another question:
What is Eighteen Thousand Hell No plus Six? 18,006.
I've had this jingle stuck in my head for a week now, and for some reason I still find it hilarious. ( http://dt.prohosting.com/70s/childtv/honycomb.au )
I think its safe to say that I do not still have it in me, but only because I didn't have it in me to begin with.
tomFILMreport: "The Devil Wears Prada"
Directed by David Frankel
Written by Aline Brosh McKenna
Based on a book by Lauren Weisberger
Starring: Anne Hathaway, Meryl Streep, Adrian Grenier, Stanley Tucci, and Emily Blunt
Released June 30th, 2006
Twentieth Century Fox
109 minutes
'The Devil Wears Prada' is a bit of a wonder to me. The film has Tampax and Payless ShoeSource written all over it, yet it reached out to me as more than just a chick flick. In a time when film's messages are usually nothing more than simple advertisements, this film shows audiences the consequences of living your life for money versus living your life for you. As long as you are willing to suck up the fact that you are walking into a movie made for women, you'll get a good time out of this film.
When the advertisements and trailers for this movie first popped up, I quickly pushed it out of my mind. I figured it would be a carbon copied "girl power" flick, with more brand references than a recent James Bond movie. A week or two passed and somehow my preconceived notions of the film changed due to one of the actors in the film. Now before I get into this in greater detail, I should point out that my experience with Stanley Tucci is limited to the TSA guy he played in 'The Terminal' - so I am in no way an authority on the guy. I saw something somewhere (just what, exactly, escapes me, frustrating me to no end) that showed a scene of his. I figured, I like the guy - and his playing a "fashionista" of sorts intrigued me. An actor has to actually act to pull that off. And so my destiny was set: I was prepared to see a chick flick, with or without a chick.
Stanley Tucci was fantastic in this film. His character was a fun part of the movie - when he was on screen, it seemed like things were good. I can only relate it to those scenes in horror movies when it isn't nighttime, there's no menacing threat ready to pounce; times when you can really sit back in your seat and get a hold of yourself. Unfortunately, his presences makes up about 10 minutes of screen time. Throw him in the film more, and I'd love it even more.
Before seeing the film I'd read all about the Oscar (trademarked, by the way) buzz surrounding the film. I'm not sure about the words Oscar and 'The Devil Wears Prada', but I'll get into that later. The one constant I'd heard repeated more than Madonna "re-inventing" herself is that Meryl Streep's role was Oscar worthy. She was fantastic in the movie, but it was by no means Academy Award winning. Its really not all that hard for an actor to be a bitch on screen - how difficult is it to dryly order someone to get you your coffee on time? Sure, she gives some power to the role that an inexperienced actor wouldn't, but that isn't to say that someone else couldn't do just the same - or even better.
As for a best picture nod, I would have to assume that an incredibly weak group of films would allow 'The Devil Wears Prada' into that category. The film was good, but best picture is reserved for amazing. (I'm speaking to you 'How Green Was My Valley'.) This film is not that amazing, which sounds bad because it is by no means a bad movie either.
Adrian Grenier, of 'Entourage' fame, played the heartbroken, grungy, grilled-cheese eating boyfriend quite well. Well done Vinny Chase!
My only real concern for the film is that I didn't like the way Hathaway's 'Andy' chose to live her life. While I can understand her decision to trade who she really was for a shallow, fashion-head, is realistic by today's terms, I don't agree with her decision to make it. It left a sunken feeling for a time, until the end of the movie (naturally.) Though it is eventually resolved, the film sends the message to young people all over the world that, essentially, selling yourself out may cost something, but you'll get a whole bunch of great perks too. Its a message they should have addressed, but due to the story that may have been difficult to do.
I really liked this movie, and I am willing to bet that if I see it again I'll like it even more. The story, though written for a female world, is very gender neutral. You can relate to Hathaway quite easily (me, a little too much) since everyone has had a similar boss. I was thoroughly impressed with the way this film turned out.
TOM'S LINE: Ignore the stereotypes you have of chick flicks and go see this movie.
the Hass Report - July 12th, 2006
I dont know what it is about the guy, but he mystifies me. Seemingly every time a Hasselhoff-ering comes about, Dave finds a way to act weirder than before. Last time, in the adventures of the former Michael Knight, we left him off as he nearly chopped his hand off while shaving. The story (as reported by WENN) continues...
"It was really early in the morning and I said, 'Help, help, please, and I went over with blood spurting everywhere, and she started to faint. I said, 'No, no, no... don't faint.' I grabbed her with my foot and I said, 'Excuse me, can you tell me the number for 911 here in London.'"
Let's check the box score, shall we? Hass' hit his head on a sheet of glass while shaving and cut his hand - while looking for help, he managed to grab a fainting woman with his foot.
This guy is superhuman. Next we'll hear about how on the way to the hospital his blood coagulated into a gila monster, which will star alongside him in the first Pixar live action feature entitled "The Desert, the Gila, and Me".
The plot? Hass wakes up one morning in the desert, with a briefcase chained to his wrist and a note: "find your way out of the desert and win a prize." (The briefcase is wholly unrelated to this picture and may very well be a centerpiece to the inevitable prequel.) Along the way, Hass befriends a talking CG gila monster named Hemoglobin - the two of them struggle to overcome the soaring temperatures, the soaring tempers, and the crazy hijinks of a bat named Looker.
Can't wait to hear from you next Dave... Seriously looking forward to it.
Sarah Jessica Parker rant - July 5th, 2006
I must be the only person on the planet that does not like looking at Sarah Jessica Parker. For some reason, the whole celebrity loving world cant get enough of her. She was on a HBO show, Gap switched her for Joss Stone (haha, read this: http://www.thesuperficial.com/2005/03/22/sarah_jessica_p.html ), and her chin rivals Leno's.
Everytime I see SJP, I literally say "gak", which to my knowledge is that weird stuff Nickelodeon pedaled to kids in the nineties.
When I see SJP, I see Miss Nelson's substitute teacher.
And let me point out how glad I am I didn't go to class the day Miss Nelson was missing - I'd never have survived.
I'm just tired of the whole "shes not stereotypical hollywood and shes proud of that" nonsense. Its just like Madonna re-inventing herself every four minutes. Madonna isn't reinventing herself - its called keeping up with the times, people. You don't see many Members only jackets anymore, do you? (look close, its there)
Is that because jackets re-invented themselves over the years?
Random note: Where have you gone Hypercolor shirts?
My point is this, SJP gets more credit than she deserves. She isn't ugly, its just that she's not that pretty. She's been on a few magazine covers - in my book, you have to be blindingly attractive to be on the cover of a magazine. Its a simple truth - you dont put mediocre on the front of something because mediocre doesn't make people want to pick up that magazine.
Now, very clearly I am wrong about this, as she is famous and everyone loves her and does in fact purchase magazines with her on the cover. HOWEVER, I'd love to know if anyone agrees with me. We can start a grassroots campaign and make shirts that say "SJP is not for ME". Any one want to sign up?
