breaking news... - August 30th, 2006
I love how every story on CNN is breaking news now. Everything. No matter what, its breaking news. Even if it broke, 2 hours ago, its still breaking.
The latest breaking news? Anchorwoman Kyra Phillips of CNN disclosed to the country what type of husband she has, over a live feed of the President talking about, presumably, something unrelated (the White House has yet to confirm if the President knows Ms. Phillips' husband). Making it even more amusing, this expose was made in a bathroom. (I especially liked the echo.)
While lavaliere mics are small, they arent invisible... I raise my glass (empty) to you Kyra Phillips!
Enjoy!BREAKING NEWS: In my opinion, Twyla Tharp's name has too many consonants. Too many to be comfortable at least. Until she (?) drops a W or a Y here and there, I refuse to work with her.
BREAKING NEWS: Reports coming from Wall Street say that Microsoft's upcoming Zune mp3 player, the supposed iPod killer, is a repackaged, rebranded
media device that wasn't very good to begin with.
BREAKING NEWS: If you're wondering, that round button in the center does not scroll through song files - its merely a button, or so say reports.
(Special thanks to AppleInsider.com)heartBREAKING NEWS: The Red Sox lost again. No way! At least they're finally being consistent...
cloudBREAKING NEWS: Its still raining in Philadelphia, completely discrediting that uber-funny show on F/X.
logicalargumentBREAKING NEWS: Lastly, I will report that I've had my judgement questioned by a person who very clearly has none. Its a simple case of logic being overrun by an argument, wholly devoid of logic, appealing solely to emotions. From fallacyfiles.org,
a must see site, emotional appeals can subvert rational thought because they purposely latch on to the listener's emotions, rather than the listener's rationale. Sadly, this is the case here. Fortunately, I was Locked up by a co-worker who quickly made sure I knew that I may have lost the battle, but I will definitely win the war...
"its tuesday, you idiot!" - August 29th, 2006
Ho, ho, ho.
I really just wanted to start off with that. There are plenty of words to get out to you today. Let's go!
A new one-sheet for the prequel (buick!)
(only a few people should know what i really mean when i say that) to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out recently. I dont know, maybe its just me, but doesn't it seem like Chainsaw Bob should be doing that privately...in the confines of his bedroom...late at night?
Furthermore, wouldn't Chainsaw Bob be considerably less angry if he took up a position (ha) in the Adult Film Industry? I mean come on. To quote the recently departed Rob Corddry (Dino Ironbody) from the Daily Show: "I mean, come on!"
In "quoting Nancy Kerrigan" news (think), the always scheming people at CBS have decided that its finally time for Mr. Britney Spears to break out his acting shoes (I think I just mixed a few cliches, but i'll just run with it). Apparently Guy Federline is lined to up star on an episode of CSI. Even better is the fact that he's reportedly playing an arrogant guy who annoys the CSI team at a crime scene. Now that is what I call casting.
Today I had the extreme displeasure to sit next to a lady who insisted on talking throughout the entire duration of my 21 minute journey into Philadelphia. (Note: when I say talking, I mean shouting). Ordinarily this would bother me, but today it infuriated me. She had the gumption (funny word) to act all annoyed when my newspaper touched her arm. Meanwhile, I learned her life story. I now know the following:
1. She does that long vowel sound thing that shows she learned her English in Europe.
(Annoying)2. Shes desperate for attention; she invited a guy she works with to her house and said "please invite me over soon".
(Really annoying)3. Shes getting work done on her house.
(Even more annoying - who isn't getting work done?! thats like her telling him that she likes to blink)4. She likes brown dresses.
(...)She stole minutes of my life, and if I wasn't on a commute I'd probably have thrown a dinner roll at her.
For some reason Tommy Girl perfume makes me lightheaded - but in an enjoyable way. I just wanted to put that out therrrrrre. (And it has nothing to do with the fact that my name is in it - that, actually, lessens the cool)
Its offish, the term "bro patrol" is the greatest ever. I'm talking to you Chad's, Eric's, and Shawn's...
Leave me some love - I want to find out if anyone reads all this!
mondaysTOMthoughts - August 28th, 2006
This article confirms what we already know, and what this blog proves daily.
'24' and Kiefer Sutherland stole the show at the 967th Annual Emmy™ awards, further proving that things I like are generally pretty awesome. When reached for comment, Kiefer said "There's no time to comment! Damnit Audrey!"
Contrary to popular belief, the proof was never actually in the pudding. It came close once, when Lou Diamond Philips tried to push it in, but fortunately it caught its balance and took up next to Paris Hilton and a Nabisco brand cookie who shall remain nameless.
Internal TOMthough: I wonder if anyone will get that picture. Sigh...I wrote a report today, further solidifying my claim that work is the same thing as school.
Sylvester Stallone wrote and directed
'Staying Alive' and expected people to go see it. Everytime I think of that, it gets more and more funny.
Foot in mouth disease part I: Senator Joe Biden (D-Delaware) is amazing. Perhaps more famous for claiming his father was a coal miner when he really wasn't, Joe Biden is becoming notorious for saying really stupid things. His latest quip? When asked if a white Northerner could win a Southern state Biden calmly replied that he could because Delaware is a slave state. A slave state. He offered no explanation as to what he meant by that.
Foot in mouth disease part II: New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said that Ground Zero in NY was a hole that hasn't yet been fixed. He apologized for saying that. Somehow I don't think thats fitting for the thousands of people who died there.
Theres a hurricane coming, again. Hurricanes blow.
I still think we should put a massive wall up next to Africa, so the winds off of the Sahara cant come across the Atlantic. That oughta show 'em...
I am so smart...
Overall, A Very Inside Engagement - August 23rd, 2006
A very special post for a very special office BFF.
mondaysTOMthoughtsONwednesday - August 23rd, 2006
I took a day off on Monday and yesterday I was just plain lazy. Those are the "offish" reasons you did not hear from me the past two days. So without further delay, lets get started.
Tom Cruise's production company got dropped from Paramount yesterday because they didn't like his off-screen antics. No joke necessary.
David Charvet (now theres a name nobody's heard in about 12 years), best known as having the most compact face on the cheesefest 'Baywatch', is engaged... to Brooke Burke. David "all of my facial features are located smack dab in the middle of my face" Charvet is engaged to Brooke "I was once famous" Burke. What the hell?! Thats as weird as that Cisco dude dating Mischa Barton for more than 13 seconds. (Its been quite a while, in fact.)
David Charvet is dating this:
Moving on... If you write exclusively with pencils, it says a lot about you. My best guess? You're unsure and uptight. If you write with pens, you're all sorts of confident about what you're writing. Take me for instance - I use pens all the time...on crossword puzzles. Eat your heart out Dixon-Ticonderoga!
I should point out that I don't even like Brooke Burke, I just (apparently) have a strong dislike of David Charvet.
Lately I've been going crazy because of the license plate for the state of Illinois. Theres something disconcerting about the red color when its put up against that background. It looks a little too much like blood to me. Illinois, whats your deal?
The song "Captain Jack" by Billy Joel is probably one of the worst songs in music history. Billy Joel tries way too hard. I mean WAYYYYY too hard. Its about 40 minutes long, the subject matter is boring, and its Billy Joel. What's good about the song? The end of it? Yeah, exactly. Thats about it. Theres nothing good about the song besides its conclusion.
Chew on all that for today.
t
Assortment of Thoughts - August 18th, 2006
Was I the only 4 year old concerned that whenever the Cookie Monster ate a cookie, he'd end up losing it all as he smashed it into his face? Just once I wanted to see him eat the cookie. Just once I wanted him to see him retain his confectionery fave, just once... Sigh.
Prince Harry is angry that a picture of him from 2003 is being showcased as a picture from this year. In related news, Victoria's Secret is upset that The Sun has revealed their latest secret bra prototype - the IPEX House of Windsor Pushup Max Demi Cami Underwire Hand Bra.
WENN@IMDB reports that yuckster celeb Nicole Richie, who is still famous for reasons unknown, was accosted by a photog who didn't think too highly of Paris Hilton, Jrs tiny frame. The quote, ahem:
"Nicole, you look disgusting. Gain some fucking weight!"
Ms. Richie (the Ms. part is still being debated and I didn't know a gender neutral way to start that sentence off) said shes not sick, shes just sick of "everyone constantly bothering [her] about how [she] look[s]." After such a clever retort one would imagine that somewhere, Jessie Spano is smiling.
(No word yet on if Thing Richie has returned her glasses to the Props department at Warner Brothers from the movie "Charlie and the Chocolate" factory.)
Today the Sox start an infinity game series against the Yankees and I couldn't be more excited to watch Alex Rodriguez play baseball incorrectly. GO SOX!
Incidentally, Victoria's Secret reports that the first confirmed order for the the IPEX House of Windsor Pushup Max Demi Cami Underwire Hand Bra was made by none other than Alex Rodriguez himself!
Lastly, it has recently come to my attention that you cannot spell boredom without the word work. Well you can, but thats missing the point. Don't miss the point by spelling boredom right. Spell it wrong.
We'll Miss You, Bruno Kirby - August 16th, 2006
Bruno Kirby passed away on Monday of complications from leukemia.
Heaven's gained one hell of an actor...
Photos Courtesy of MPTV.net, IMDB.com, and WireImage.com
My Mornings, Gotta Love 'Em - August 15th, 2006
There is a woman who stops by my row of cubicles every morning and discusses (read: whines) things she heard on NBC10 or the Today show or whatever programming she watches just prior to getting to work. She'll walk by and whine to no end about any number of things. She has the irritating ability to make anything sound as serious as third world hunger. Today's issue? The muppets on Sesame Street.
I had 5 minutes of my life stolen from me so this lady could verbally throw up about the muppets on Sesame Street. This woman also likes to complain about the ice machine, the coffee machine, and I'm willing to bet even the Terminator and friends, since she has a pattern for disliking machines.
Couple this with a horrifying accent (read: Jackie Mason, but female) and an even worse laugh (read: Fran Drescher like, with a painful crescendo - like an air raid siren. You hear it and you cringe.), and you are talking one awful way to start the day. Everyday. For nine months. Ugh.
And now the ladies are listening to TLC's "Creep". Its not a Monday, but it sure as hell feels like it.
Realtime Updates (no joke)
9:26AM Now shes complaining about the bus.
9:26AM Now shes complaining about sleep, and how being dead will help.
9:26AM Now shes complaining about hot flashes.
9:28AM The Others are complaining about a fan that one has and the other doesnt.
9:29AM The Others are complaining about a Crate and Barrel is too expensive.
9:29AM Ditto with Williams Sonoma.
9:31AM Now one is complaining about needing more water.
Ok, I think they're done. Though, like a Bill Paxton/Helen Hunt chased tornado, it can come back at anytime. (Without a B-Pax like voice though - a silver lining to all this?)
Heres something else to talk about, as reported by WENN@IMDB:
Al Pacino has been accused of breaching a court order banning him from talking about his children with ex-partner Beverly D'Angelo. A book reports an incident where ... "His four-year-old daughter had seen a bee on the grass, hurt and perhaps dying. She pointed it out to her daddy, who said, 'The bee is not well. Why don't we put it in a better place?' So he lifted it onto a piece of paper, and they placed it on a flower bed. Later, when he was dropping (the twins) off, he said to his daughter, 'Why don't you tell Mommy about the bee?' and Mommy said, 'She was once stung by a bee. You shouldn't let her near one.' Al wanted to explain that the bee was not a danger. But their mother was coming from another place: Bees can sting." ...D'Angelo...is furious. A friend tells the New York Daily News, "Beverly does not remember this ever happening. Al is notorious for taking dramatic license. And he's not supposed to be talking about the kids anyway." D'Angelo tells the paper, "Since 2003, there has been a court order covering this kind of thing."9:33AM Two are complaining about toys and not appreciating them.
9:34AM Now one has the fan that the other bragged about.
9:35AM Someone owes somebody something; developing.
9:35AM I think its another fan. More to follow.
So apparently Al Pacino can't mention his kids to his ex-wife? Um. What kind of court order is that?!?!?
Judge: Mr. Pacino...
Al: Hu-ah!
Judge: (sigh) Mr. Pacino, Ms. Griswald-D'Angelo here has brought you into court to discuss your children.
Al: Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade, hu-ah!
Judge: You cannot speak about your children with your ex-wife.
Al: ...
Judge: And you cannot wear green on Wednesdays.
Al (to Bev): You bitch!
9:38AM Someone isn't coming in today; people are jealous, curious. One takes the same train as the person that's missing.
9:41AM I hear someone say "whats up dog" on their radio.
Ugh... Sigh... Grumble... Another sound that shows my relative discontent...
Isaiah - August 14th, 2006
Ok, apparently this is my 100th post. I did my math wrong and this is not the 99th, but the 100th post of my blogging career. You'd think for such a milestone I'd be prepared, but sadly there were no Hallmark reminders cluttering up my inbox (for the record, if this is that "paper anniversary" I'll be hoping that paper is money, and not some sort of stationery. Note: Stationery, and not stationary. As in, "Your right, theyre stationary was stationery. HOORAY GRAMMAR!)
To celebrate the 100th posting, I've decided to commission the creation of the world's most hideous Spider-man cake. Also, I've changed the name of this post from "100" to "Isaiah" so the cake will be named appropriately. Without further ado (especially about nothing), I present to you, the world's most hideous Spider-man cake!
I expected more too. My guess is that someone wanted a thumb cake but backed out, but fortunately the baker received a call for a Spider-man cake shortly soon thereafter. Here's the scene:
Lady: I don't need the cake anymore. I lost my thumbs.
Baker: Pardon?
Lady: Gone. Had them when I went to the market, didn't have them when I left.
The investigation is pending though.
Baker: Pending what?
Lady: Pending my learning how to hold a telephone again and calling the cops to start an investigation. Goodbye.
She leaves the store.Baker: Shit
The phone rings.Baker: Yes? Of course I have a Spider-man cake. For a blog? It'll cost you extra... I'll send you the bill, thanks.
He hangs up the phone.Baker: Sweet, sweet glory.
But, upon further thought, how else would I rather celebrate 100 inane posts? A bulbous cake which slightly resembles a comic-book character should in fact be perfect for a blog which slightly resembles one with witty, coherent, interconnected thoughts. In choosing the weird cake, I appropriated myself, if you'll allow me to make up a word. (You should allow me to make up words because today is Monday, and everyone knows you can make up at most one word every Monday.) So this lacking cake leads me into my first topic of discussion...
I think the font "papyrus" is overused and overappreciated. Its not particularly attractive, and contrary to what people may think, it does not lend a "antique" style to your writing. All "papyrus" does is showcase who the writer really is: a pompous ass. (The opinions of this article do not reflect those of Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment. They do, however, reflect the opinions of the makers of the world's most beloved food dehydrator, the Ronco Corporation - which presumably stands for the Ron Company Corporation...odd.)
"Papyrus" doesn't make the writer seem smart, it makes the writer seem like he's trying to be smart. Its like those people that insist on using Microsoft Word's thesaurus whenever they write anything. Example:
Normal Sentence: Thanks for inviting me to the party, I had a great time.
"Word"-ed Sentence: Much gratitude for inviting me to the social gathering, I had an illustrious time.
My point is that using "papyrus" is equivalent to wearing a shirt that says something like this, to the left. It simply screams that you're an ass and that most would suffer irreparable harm if they spoke to you for longer than a few seconds.
My comments apply, for the most part, to Mistral and Trebuchet as well.
This message was paid for by the Century Gothic in 2008!
tomFILMreport: "Little Miss Sunshine" - August 8th, 2006
(two posts until 100!)
Directed by Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris
Written by Michael Arndt
Starring: Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Paul Dano, Abigail Breslin, and Alan Arkin
Released July 26th, 2006
Fox Searchlight Pictures
101 Minutes
Independent films usually place the focus on moments devoid of movement. (See "Junebug") I'm not exactly sure why indies do this, but I can only guess its to fill time in a picture that has very little going on. True, 'Little Miss Sunshine' is an independent film; false, it has very little going on. This is probably one of those most "complete" independent films I have ever seen. The plot is visible, without being obnoxiously accessible. The characters tell you so much about themselves without spelling it out, the way most movies do. The dialogue is simple but detailed at the same time. Ultimately, this movie succeeds where every other indie fails: it captures an audience and holds on for the length of the movie.
When I first saw the trailer for 'Little Miss Sunshine' I was instantly intrigued. Focused on the crazy interaction between the family at dinner time, you learn that Steve Carell's 'Frank' is a gay, suicide survivor, and that the son has taken a vow of silence. Arkin plays an eccentric grandfather and Kinnear and Collette play two clearly different types of parents. Lastly, Breslin is the child stuck inbetween it all. One five minute scene of simple dialogue presents a wealth of information as to who these people are and how they interact with each other. It really is a great lesson in filmmaking.
The story centers on the family as they deal with each other on a interstate journey to the "Little Miss Sunshine" competition in Redondo Beach, California. This immediately strikes the audience as being funny, awkwardly. The reason is that their entrant, the obese but unaware Olive, is probably the last kind of girl you would expect at a contest like that. Bespectacled, braceleted, and sporting pants that claim shes a "hot mama", Olive is supported by a father who refuses to be pragmatic, as it would make them all losers. Winners, aren't losers.
Arkin supports her like crazy, - he taught her the routine she is to perform in Redondo Beach - as she is his only granddaughter. One of the more touching scenes in the movie, and another example why Arkin is an amazing actor, comes when Olive expresses doubt at her being in the contest. Arkin comes through and closes the scene with a quiet style that would impress anyone. If you don't like Arkin before seeing this movie, you will by the time you leave.
People who hear of this movie will assume that this is a Steve Carell movie. Carell knew what he was doing when he signed up: he's simply in the movie, he isn't the star. He has as much screen time as any other actor, which means he can still get away with the "less is more" approach. When he's not on screen you want him on there, and when he is on screen he steals the show. His delivery is solid, his approach is even better. He makes you feel what he feels by a look, or a line of dialogue. It's really something to see. If his name doesn't come up in Oscar buzz, I wont be surprised because the Academy is filled with Michael Moore loving morons that think comedies aren't Oscar worthy. I would hope he would be mentioned though, because his acting in this film deserves it. Its just a big step from the Steve Carell everyone expects, which is probably why he signed on in the first place. (There are some classic Carell scenes in there, if you're really worried about the humor.)
Perhaps most overlooked performance-wise is Paul Dano, the silent son/brother who dreams of going to flight school one day. (I've always wondered how you audition for a role in a movie if you have little to no dialogue. Emphatic gestures?) He's a unique character; in many ways he's the stereotypical teen who dislikes his family. He also idolizes Friedrich Nietzsche and has not spoken a word in nine months, something most teens would not be able to do (or spell, in the case of the former). He has to portray an amazingly complex character in an incredibly limited fashion: a notepad. Amazingly, he pulls it off. He's got witty lines and presents his emotions just as if he were talking. I was fascinated by the eyetest he took from his sister. It seems inconsequential to most, but think about it for a moment... He's been in a car with his family for an incredibly long time and he decides to play a game with his little sister. It doesn't look like he's humoring her, it seems like he's actually interested in playing. If his character was like most stereotypical family hating teens, he would never take the time to play. Its really very touching that he would play along with his sister - it's a genuine moment shared between the two.
Kinnear and Collette are the parents of the muted Dwayne and the ever-hopeful Olive. She shares a more realistic world view; she wants her daughter to know how the world really is and isn't shy from teaching her about it. Kinnear, however, plays a struggling motivational speaker (hows that for a depth filled character! Thats competely brilliant!) who feels it necessary to try to motivate his family daily, even if they've heard it all before, over and over again. Kinnear wants to shield his daughter from the real world issues plaguing 'Frank', but also wants to try to inform his daughter about the hazards of eating unhealthy foods. I guess my point is that the characters in this film are so vivid, so developed, and so believable, that they could all be driving to Wal-Mart a mile away and it would still be fascinating and fun to watch. The context of a beauty pageant makes it all the better.
This independent movie breaks the mold for indies; it was deep, hilarious, and powerful throughout. There were no moments of "what am I looking at", or "what does that mean", or any random sequences of bizarre imagery. The accessibility of this film is one of its greatest features. A seven year old would enjoy this movie as much as a 60 year old. It's a fantastic film.
TOMS LINE: This movie is brilliant, every aspect of it. If you don't see it, you're doing your movie loving self a disservice. It's Oscar-worthy, and not in that faux sense thats commonly attributed to Clint Eastwood directed movies, but in the same sense as 'Lost in Translation'.
Randomness Centralized on Weather for Some Reason - August 7th, 2006
This is getting a little crazy...
I am three posts closer to my 100th ever in the complete history of time (109 years, incidentally, give or take. Its common knowledge that people didn't exist before then). My degree in meteorology tells me that with this post and two others, I will have published 100 postings of my random, incessant rambling - however, my degree in meteorology has taught me that I wont be able to predict anything until approximately six minutes after said event has occurred. Yay, meteorology.
Baghdad Bob says that "...although it's raining right now, it is not in fact raining. Death to the infidels."
A girl in my office insists on wearing flip-flops to work nearly everyday. I've nothing against flip-flops (except when people call them thongs - totes inapprop), as I wear flips every now and then myself. What I am against, however, is the fact that I can hear every flip and every flop from said girl. This is the first time in history (again, 109 years) that someone has actually justified the name flip-flop by producing the approprite sounds with each passing step. I thought it was just a clever name. (
This picture is relevant, I assure you)
I wonder, frequently, why the Discovery Channel puts so much support behind "Shark Week". They've outfitted a building with fins, a tail, and a shark head, they advertise "Bight University", and they basically carpet this country with shark-vertising (I am so very, very clever). For what though? For five days of shark related programming, thats what. Thats 0.01369863014 of the year (0.01366120219 if its a leap year... which doesn't even begin to include the fact that there is less than 24 hours of shark related programming in "Shark Week" - technically speaking that 0.01369863014 is 22 hours more than necessary since the shows dont run all day, but I wont go there.
I hate math.
My point is this: sharks are interesting, but not more interesting than everything else on the discovery channel. With their logic, we're well past due for an orange county chopper (or whatever) week... Kid is happy, I am not - even if I had that toy.
More shark stuff,
heres a webpage showing an example of how Star Wars jumped the shark. I don't know how someone pitched this toy, but I imagine it went something like this:
Guy 1: So, Christmas 2005 is coming up. Ideas?
Guy 2: I've got this idea... nah, its silly.
Guy 1: No way, no idea is too silly for this room.
Guy 3: Yeah.
Guy 2: Well, okay then. So, you know how Christmas 2005 is coming up?
Guy 3: He just said that.
Guy 2: Right.
Guy 1: ...
Guy 2: So we make a Darth Vader toy...but red, for the holidays.
Guy 1: ...
Guy 3: ...
Guy 2: We can add a wreath?
Guy 1,3: SOLD!
I'm tired and bored. Enjoy all that as we close in on 100. Huzzah!
Why Are We Afraid of This? - August 2nd, 2006
A disturbing article found it's way to me today, via AdFreak.com. Apparently, Mom's across the country are up in arms about a magazine cover featuring a baby breastfeeding.
This photo has Moms more outspoken than drugs or violence. This picture frightens Moms more than terrorists. This photo makes Moms angrier than missing that Lifetime movie. You know the one I'm talking about. The one with the girl getting beaten, and then theres some girl talk and some crying, then she goes back to the guy because she doesn't know any better, and then someone dies and someone goes to jail. Yeah, that one.
Why are Americans afraid of nudity? What do we think nudity does to us, and why is that of more concern than violence or drugs or money. CBS just paid their Janet Jackson Super Bowl fine ($550,000 for the record), because they were still trying to figure out why the hell they were fined to begin with. It wasn't as if CBS told her to flash the world, right? She did that on her own, with a helpful hand from JT. The FCC has spent a lot of money telling this country that "Nudity is bad. We feel it necessary to protect Americans from it. Especially young Americans." Why, though, do they feel it necessary to protect us from nudity? Why do we feel the need to overly shelter young Americans? Whats the deal, yo?
One day of high school contains more offensive imagery and language than anything you could possibly see on television (even if it wasn't censored). You can make a case that TV inspires them to speak and act that way, but its a weak argument. Television is not the cause of all of life's problems, it's just a convenient scapegoat. The FCC is fighting cases to the death because they realize if at any point they slow down or stop, the country will realize that there is absolutely no reason for the FCC to exist. Why do we need a government agency to censor things for us, when we can do it ourselves by simply changing the channel or by not watching altogether.
Back to the magazine:
"I shredded it, a breast is a breast — it's a sexual thing. [My 13 year old son] didn't need to see that."Gayle Ash, the woman who said this quote, is a moron. Apparently Gayle has forgotten that a breast is not a sexual organ. By her logic, men who appear topless in public are exposing a sex organ. She'll rip up a cover of BabyTalk to prevent her son from seeing a benign image of a child feeding, but she probably won't prevent him from going on MySpace and hitting on a 30 year old desk clerk from Oklahoma that may or may not be a dude. It would benefit her to be much more concerned about why her 13 year old son would have a subscription to BabyTalk, than what is on its cover.
I'm complaining because I'm tired of the way our country acts towards its citizens. The FCC exists to waste money and time, and to make Americans feel their government cares for them. (Note: I do know the FCC is independent, but their commissioners are appointed by the President and thus are closely tied to the government) If we'd stop pretending to want this babying (ha, nice pun), and if the government stopped pretending to care about what amounts to be non-issues (does nudity really have any sway on our DEFCON anyway? i didn't think so), we'd have time to deal with more important things.
But no, there are twenty people in LA who send thousands of letters a minute to demand that not a breast be seen or curse word be uttered. Their causing a fuss about making sure our nation's children should be spared from anything thats even remotely sexual or violent. As if watching 10 minutes of local news programming shows anything less...
What a joke.
A Sign and a Hass Report - August 1st, 2006
A long while ago (quite how long though, I am uncertain) I snacked on some delicious oreo cookies.
For the record, I prefer to eat the first oreo whole, but the following I will twist and dip separately into the vastness of a gigantic cup of milk. Finally, I will eat my last two oreos unseparated before I settle back and vow to never again eat thirty oreos.
So I ate my cookies in my own special way, happily watching some movie (Casablanca or Roman Holiday, probably - they are good oreo movies, try it out.) when I looked into my cup before dipping. There, floating peacefully in my milk, was the unmistakable image of a fairly prominent religious figure. I dare you to tell me it looks like something else. Behold:
The strange thing is, as soon as I looked to check the quality of the picture, the "immaculate formation" had shifted into a jumble of nothingness. What was, was no longer. But I have the proof that it once existed and I share it with the world.
In other news, David Hasselhoff seems to be taking full advantage roles on a poor Star Search copycat show and cheesy comedy film. He has been all over the news like a fat kid hovering over a buffet table.
Allegedly (and according to IMDB's WENN) British Airways refused to allow Hass onboard, deeming him "unfit to fly". His actions seemed odd, and someone reported him as being "clearly inebriated", though not so much as to prevent him from taking the next flight out of London. Hass fired back by pointing out that a new medication he was taking for his hand injury caused him to act so strangely.
No David, you acted strangely because you are strange. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on.
A Real Unsolved Mystery by Robert Stack - August 1st, 2006
Robert Stack would have been proud of this one...
Apparently in this young week (its only Tuesday, after all) I have appeared in the dreams of two of my colleagues. That's the same number of times the Miami Dolphins won the AFC East in the past 12 years. That's the same number of sitcoms that were headed by Fran Drescher. Allegedly, "two is just as bad as one [and is] the loneliest number since the number one, uh."
My point is this: throughout my tenure in this office I have appeared in zero, count 'em, zero of my coworkers dreams. (Perhaps its better that I haven't appeared in more, but at this point it is too early to tell if I want to be in more or less.) Somehow I've doubled my total (zero in nine months) in just a few days, without actually doing anything. Perhaps I'm just memorable. Or perhaps I am, like one of the "dreamers" said, Freddie Krueger. I don't think I'm Freddie because I wouldn't have gone after Johnny Depp like that - I didn't hate 21 Jump Street that much.
The inside info: In one dream I went to get some chinese food, and in another I was in school with some aliens.
Quick note: our resident Dwight/Gareth is wearing white socks with his brown docksiders. Quicker note: he has just made two raspberry sounds, more appropriate for a three year old. Double impressive.
Double.
So yeah, back to the mystery of my cameo appearances...
While my cameos aren't as awkward as Urkel on Full House, they are about as off as this picture of Paris Hilton. (Maybe stars really are blind!) Theres just something not completely right about it.
After a little thought, I suppose I'm not too worried about it. After all, its just chinese food and aliens. Better than candied carrots and the New York Yankees. I'm proud of my dreamlike self - I eat, though arguably not very well, and I go to class. Impressive, eh?
And if you don't think thats impressive, chew on this: I've been in two more of my colleagues dreams than you have.
Stack, out!
