I recently went through Dante's nine circles of hell (note: this isn't to be confused with Dante's Peak, a film which gave Linda Hamilton the idea that people liked her) to purchase a vehicle.
eI've never bought a car before. And so, I figured I would write about my 'buying a car' adventure with hopes it will convince some of you to inherit large sums of money, or if you aren't in the mood to wait twenty years, to simply steal the car of your preference. Without further ado, I present to you TOM'S 'BUYING A CAR' ADVENTURE brought to you by the Motorola KRAZR phone. "You cant get more gay than the Motorola KRAZR"
The first step of buying a car is to cross the river Styx and enter Hades.
No seriously. Its true. In order to buy a car you've got to enter the underworld as defined by Greek mythology. Let me explain:
The world as we know it can be split into three categories. The first category is mainly comprised of things that make you happy. This includes things like picnics, water parks, cheesecake, and group sex. Most everyone in the world loves one or more of the things I've just listed, unless they don't in which case I am wrong. (But thats not likely)
The second category is dedicated to things most all people hate. The IRS falls in this category. So does test taking, going to work, eating vegetables, and so on.
The third and last category is reserved for car dealerships. Car dealerships are like hell, thus justifying the Hades reference.
For the sake of trying to keep this thing entertaining, I'm going to cut out the researching a car and figuring out if you can afford a car part, because thats not fun. Nobody wants to think about that. When it comes time for you to buy a car, you'll deal with that on your own. And so, with that all behind us, now the adventure in earnest can begin...
Its cold outside. The sun is shining in your eyes. You squint, trying hard to see your surroundings, but it does nothing. You can see colors all around you. Metallic sunburst green. Graphite silver. Laser blue. You cant see a way out. You're being walked to a large glass door. Your legs bring you closer and closer to a door that only Tolkien could appropriately describe. You expect to be riddled with arrows at any second. Your hand touches the metal door handle and you feel cold. The sunlight disappears. There is no more color around. There is no more universal gray. Somehow you pass through the gateway.
The smell of three hundred years worth of tires and armor-all coats punches you in the face. To your left is a dead woman behind a desk. To your right is a three chair waiting area where two elderly people seem on their last breaths as they struggle to read through a brochure about a warranty that will outlast them by seven years, or 150,000 miles. Suddenly, an ugly New Jersey accent accosts you. Its the dead woman behind the desk, only shes not dead...she just doesn't know how to wear makeup.
As she asks what your business is you are mesmorized by the rhythm of her painted-on eyebrows. Two arches rivaling those of Ronald McDonald's, they contort themselves into peanuts from a trippy circus as she cuts off your response to answer a dusty, beige colored telephone which probably was purchased in the early eighties...from this guy.
Before you get the chance to bolt, one of them has spotted you. You're officially done for. Once a "car salesman" has you, you'd need something like this, reasonably priced at your local Wal-Mart, to have any chance of survival.
Stay tuned, the dramatic part two of this series is coming soon.
Sharon Stone and Steve Gutenberg - December 26th, 2006
Happy Christmas all! I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday. Lets start off with some trivia, shall we?
Which movie had the lowest domestic gross in 2006? 'All the King's Men', 'Basic Instinct 2', 'A Good Year', 'The Fountain', or 'Freedomland'. (answers below)
Yes, yes, yes, the movie everyone in the universe has been dreaming about for such a long time, has finally been scratched from the production schedule. Sorry people, but Police Academy 9004 will not be produced anytime soon. Steve Gutenberg wont be able to revive your day. He hates you.
Police Academy 8, which was on the production schedule for all of three and a half minutes, has been removed from said production schedule.
Funny, the past few months have seen rumors fly about another Police Academy film, another Revenge of the Nerds (also cancelled, thankfully), and even some crazy talk about another Rocky movie. Come on, nobody has heard from Sly since the mid-eighties during his Brigitte Nielsen phase. Personally, I think she ate him.
(For the record, that picture up there is of Johannes Gutenberg, the inventor of moveable type printing.)
But wait, there's more...
According to Premiere magazine, "Val Kilmer is in serious discussions" to appear in the sequel to the classic 'Real Genius'. 'Real Genius', which I'm almost certain is completely different from 'Top Secret!', is about Iceman inventing some sort of genius laser thing for non weapon like purposes. But naturally, since there aren't many uses for a military grade laser in the household, it gets stolen by Dr. Noah Faulkner so he could give it to the government for use as, you guessed it, a military grade laser. YAWN.
As for the sequel, it would probably be the exact same movie, but with Iceman as a 45 year old dude who is all nostalgic about those days when he invented a laser. Some sort of dramatic thing happens, there are a few laughs, and then the movie ends.
Heres a little video showing how completely different Microsoft's Vista operating system is from Apple's operating system. Enjoy:
Apparently Halle "I'm only noticed when I'm naked" Berry has recorded an album. I'm assuming the lyrics are about how much she loved the film 'Catwoman' and how much of an honor it was to work with the amazing Sharon Stone. Or they could be cheesy lyrics about how much she misses David Justice...
Lyrics from the song 'David' by Halle Berry
david. you were my homerun baseball and i was your stolen base queen. but you stole my heart and then you bunted and now youre out of baseball david... i miss you
Oh boy Obama! In a New Hampshire poll, Barack Obama has closed a 23 point margin to become neck and neck with Hillary Clinton. Over in Iowa, Obama is tied with John Edwards at 22 percent, while Hillary is in fourth place with 10 percent. This should get interesting...interesting like watching the trainers feed shamu or like watching a biopic about Tina Turner.
If you guessed Sharon Stone's ridiculous 'Basic Instinct 2', you're completely right. Apparently Ms. Stone forgot that the first 'Basic Instinct' came out thirty years before this one. The people who saw the first have long since forgotten about it; the people who were too young to see the first just don't care enough to go see that movie. Why, you ask? Because we have porn, effectively rendering any movie based on a naked fifty year old unnecesary.
'All the King's Men' grossed $7 million, from their budget of $55 million. 'Basic Instinct 2' grossed $5 million, from their budget of $70 million 'A Good Year' grossed $7 million, no budget info released. 'The Fountain' grossed a wonderful $9 million, from their budget of $35 million. 'Freedomland' grossed a very Samuel L. like $12 million, no budget info released.
Jamie sent me this and I love it. This is one of the coolest things I've ever seen:
In order to help free the world from the evil that is mosquito-borne illness, scientists are planning to genetically engineer a mosquito that cannot carry any diseases. They hope their mosquito, though considerably late to the party, will be able to impress all the lady mosquitos and then mate like crazy with until they've produced enough non-disease-y mosquitos to cancel out the number of disease capable mosquitos all up in here.
Um, okay. Yeah, so you see, I have no idea what to say about that. It sounds too much like the plot of one of those Godzilla movies for me to believe it. I bet thats how they sold the idea to their money benefactor people guys:
Scientist: I want to make a bug that wont spread diseases. Benefactor: No. Scientist: It will be just like one of those Godzilla movies. Benefactor: I love Godzilla. Scientist (to himself): I know. Benefactor: I heard that.
Man, this guy again. Marion Barry is always in the news for no reason other than he's an idiot! He should be charged with shameless and unnecessary self-promotion along with Jesse Jackson and Al from Home Improvement. Then they should be branded with the phrase "BOO HOO".
I am willing to put money down that this product won't sell anything until they introduce it in fun flavors. Mmm, blueberry muffin spray that will make me not want to eat a blueberry muffin. Mmm...
Donald Trump has given Miss USA/Miss America/Miss United States/Miss U.S. or whatever the hell shes called, a second chance to fix the image shes given all Miss Whatevers. Funny, I never really thought too highly of women who smear vasoline on their teeth or smile to the point where it looks like their face is going to rip off. When I heard that she was a party girl who likes dancing all up on girls, Motorola Razr phones and/or watching LC or the OC like every other 18 year old girl in America/U.S., etc., etc., etc., I was kinda relieved.
I thought to my self "Wow, finally a pageant winner who is honest with the world. Shes a girl who likes to party, in addition to appearing at supermarkets in the midwest. In being honest, shes secured herself a spot in the limelight and not in the blackhole that is known as 'Former Pageant Winners.'" She told Crazyhair Richpants that she would not let him down. In return, he promised not to fire her AND also promised not to buy the land her parents home resides upon, tear down the house, and develop Trump Suburbia, a new, "quaint" Trump resort. (My guess is it will have less gold paint?)
So I hope she does well in rehab. I'd like to note that at this point I have no idea what that girl's name is. I think thats amusing.
Although I never watched Hanna-Barbera cartoons (even in my earlier years, I knew what was good - Looney Toons - and what was rushed, poorly written, carbon copied crap - see any H-B cartoon where someone attempts to run. Why their upper bodies never moved incensed me to no end), I understand and respect what both Joe Hanna and William Barbera brought to the industry - they helped to mainstream cartoons. Sadly, Joseph Barbera passed away at the age of 95 on Monday. My thoughts are with his family.
In Disney news, it seems they have finally figured out what to do with Disney Feature Animation. At first their plan was to behead everyone that worked there, but that was abandoned when the Disney janitorial cast members threatened to strike if they couldn't behead them themselves. Naturally, Disney just chose to fire most of them. Then they fired some more. Then Disney bought Pixar and decided, hey, lets to more animation. So they hired some people. Most recently, Disney decided to fire anyone at DFA working on a computer animated project, most notably the scribe of 'Lilo and Stitch' Chris Sanders. Not only did they fire him, they cancelled his movie 'American Dog'. DFA is prepping to go all traditional animation, effectively giving Disney two animation branches: DFA as the traditional animation studio it was before everyone was fired, and Pixar as the computer animation studio it is supposed to be. Good thinking, Disney. Way to earn your paychecks!
Our local moron, Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz - wait, I meant to say weatherman. To be fair, he sucks at weathermanning, so I am going to continue to call him a moron. So, local moron Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz has refused to incorporate anything Christmas-like into his weathermanning. This makes sense because Glenny-glenn here is Jewish (Just like JC! He's in good hands)
Now I am a pretty big stranger to compromise - I like to McCartney my way through things. Whats wrong with liking things my way, all the time? - but why am I the only one who can see the answer to this. Glenn. Talk about Christmas AND the festival of lights (I refuse to spell it until there is one clear spelling) and maybe any other holidays there are. What the g! This isn't rocket surgery. Why exclude everything when you and include! This totally defeats the idea that those who were excluded from things in elementary school will grow up to be better people. Shame on you Glenny...shame on you and your big, ugly, bowtie.
Welcome to the start of the week. Sigh. Work weeks suck. Sigh, again. Lets go!
My sister Beth has proclaimed, for all the world to hear, that this dog's name shall be Toque! (did that echo over there? cause it did in my head.) Its pronounced like 'took'. He is great.
Can you get an Oscar for being on a late night show? In any case, Matt Damon deserves one for the impression that he does. AMAZING.
Its official: Time Magazine has given up on thinking creatively.
From a Time Magazine conference room:
Guy 1: Can we do Hitler? Guy 2: Didn't we already? Guy 3: Man its getting late. Guy 2: Who invented the English language - that was pretty cool. Or sugar, sugar is cool too. Guy 4: I think it was some French guy. Guy 5: Asses. The 'ole lot of 'em. Room: ... Guy 5: What? Guy 2: Since when have you been british? We grew up in Reno. Guy 3: I want to go home. Lets just make everyone the Time Person of the Year. Guy 5: Thats bloody brilliant. Guy 3: Done and done. Guy 1: I still think we should try to fit Hitler in there - ya know, like a co-national champion or something.
The Quiznos rat/thing is probably one of my favoritest food mascots ever. That I could never quite recognize what animal it was supposed to be intrigued me immensely. Granted, it had no effect on me eating at Quiznos, since their food generally sucks. (Never once have I had a truly toasty sangwich there. Their motto should be "Mmm, lukewarm and mushy. But at least our name doesn't make you think of an overcrowded form of public transportation.") I suppose if I did eat at Quiznos, and for some reason my mind conjured up the image of that rat thing, I would probably not be able to finish my food. Nevertheless, what a great f'n song. Heres one of the spots in all of its glory:
Today the nominations for the Golden Globes were announced. As you all know, the Golden Globes are a precursor to the Oscars - oftentime, selections made here are similar to the selections that will be made at the Academy Awards. Note: I should say nominations made here, not selections. A Golden Globe winner doesn't necessary win the oscar - (i.e. 'Crash' over the Golden Globe winning 'Brokeback Mountain')
Here are some early (really early) predictions for you all to enjoy.
Picture, Drama: "Babel," "Bobby," "The Departed," "Little Children," "The Queen" Who Will Win: "Babel" Who Should Win: "Babel", because nothing else up here compares. Actress, Drama: Penelope Cruz, "Volver"; Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"; Maggie Gyllenhaal, "Sherrybaby"; Helen Mirren, "The Queen"; Kate Winslet, "Little Children" Who Will Win: Maggie Gyllenhaal Who Should Win: Maggie Gyllenhaal, though it will be close with her, Winslet and Cruz. (I dont think penelope should be up there though, cause nobody will see "Volver" anyway)
Actor, Drama: Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"; Leonardo DiCaprio, "The Departed"; Peter O'Toole, "Venus"; Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"; Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland" Who Will Win: Will Smith Who Should Win: Forest Whitaker. Everyone loves giving Will Smith awards because he's nice. Thankfully, this role will do a lot for him because he actually acted well in it. Don't be surprised to see the same nod at the Oscars either. Forest out acts the world in "The Last King of Scotland", but he just doesnt have the widespread appeal of Smith. I want to see "Venus" - it looks fantastic.
Picture, Musical or Comedy: "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan," "The Devil Wears Prada," "Dreamgirls," "Little Miss Sunshine," "Thank You for Smoking" Who Will Win: "Little Miss Sunshine" Who Should Win: "Little Miss Sunshine". It was an amazing film because the story was so simple, the actors had to pull the movie together. (If you've seen it, that makes sense). There arent elaborate sets or anything crazy like that. Its just good acting. They deserve it, no matter what the public thinks. "Borat" just wasn't that good.
Actress, Musical or Comedy: Annette Bening, "Running With Scissors"; Toni Collette, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Beyonce Knowles, "Dreamgirls"; Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"; Renee Zellweger, "Miss Potter" Who Will Win: Meryl Streep. Who Should Win: Toni Collette. Meryl Streep was not very good in "The Devil Wears Prada". Its not too difficult to act like a mean old lady.
Actor, Musical or Comedy: Sacha Baron Cohen, "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan"; Johnny Depp, "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"; Aaron Eckhart, "Thank You for Smoking"; Chiwetel Ejiofor, "Kinky Boots"; Will Ferrell, "Stranger than Fiction" Who Will Win: Sacha Baron Cohen. Who Should Win: Will Ferrell. Ferrell's "Harold Crick" isn't an extraordinary character. Ferrell's performance, however, is the definition of extraordinary.
Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza, "Babel"; Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"; Emily Blunt, "The Devil Wears Prada"; Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"; Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel" Who Will Win: Cate Blanchett. Who Should Win: Cate Blanchett. Face it, she could be in one of those Sonic commercials and she'd make us all cry. Just give her the Oscar now, and save us some time. (Its a shame for Emily Blunt, who was great in "The Devil Wears Prada".
Supporting Actor: Ben Affleck, "Hollywoodland"; Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"; Jack Nicholson, "The Departed"; Brad Pitt, "Babel"; Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed" Who Will Win: Ben Affleck Who Should Win: Ben Affleck. Come on dude, with this award you have a career again!
Director: Clint Eastwood, "Flags of Our Fathers"; Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima"; Steven Frears, "The Queen"; Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel"; Martin Scorsese, "The Departed" Who Will Win: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu Who Should Win: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu. What, no Eastwood? No stupid. Anyone nominated twice in a category automatically loses. Thats the way it is. If you have fans of Eastwood, you'll undoubtedly have fans particular of one of his movies. If they nominated him once, he gets all of his fans; but this way, his fans split up and he loses twice as bad. "Babel" takes it here.
Screenplay: Guillermo Arriaga, "Babel"; Todd Field and Tom Perrotta, "Little Children"; Patrick Marber, "Notes on a Scandal"; William Monahan, "The Departed"; Peter Morgan, "The Queen" Who Will Win: Guillermo Arriaga. Who Should Win: Todd Field and Tom Perrotta. Just to spice it up again.
Foreign Language: "Apocalypto," USA; "Letters from Iwo Jima," USA/Japan; "The Lives of Others," Germany; "Pan's Labyrinth," Mexico; "Volver" Spain Who Will Win: "Volver" Who Should Win: "Letters from Iwo Jima". Stupid "Volver". Sorry Mel.
Animated Film: "Cars," "Happy Feet," "Monster House" Who Will Win: "Happy Feet" Who Should Win: Huh? What? OHHHHHHHHHHHH! "Happy Feet" takes it, upsetting Pixar's "Cars", which from what I heard wasn't a good movie.
Television Series, Drama: "24", "Big Love", "Grey's Anatomy", "Heroes", "Lost" Who Will Win: "Heroes" Who Should Win: "24", because Jack Bauer doesn't have the time to deal with Milo "I can fly" Ventimiglia.
Television Series, Musical or Comedy (are there any tv series that are all musical?): "Desperate Housewives", "Entourage", "The Office", "Ugly Betty", "Weeds" Who Will Win: "The Office" Who Should Win: "The Office". It reaches a bigger audience, and it doesn't have some ugly chick named Betty on it.
Actor in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Alec Baldwin for "30 Rock", Zach Braff for "Scrubs", Steve Carell for "The Office", Jason Lee for "My Name Is Earl", Tony Shalhoub for "Monk" Who Will Win: Tony Shaloub Who Should Win: Alec Baldwin. Baldwin is hilarious on 30 Rock. The show would have been off the air months ago if it wasn't for his brilliance. Shaloub is great; he'll take this category cause he wins everything.
Actress in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Marcia Cross for "Desperate Housewives", America Ferrera for "Ugly Betty", Felicity Huffman for "Desperate Housewives", Julia Louis-Dreyfus for "The New Adventures of Old Christine", Mary-Louise Parker for "Weeds" Who Will Win: America Ferrera Who Should Win: Mary-Louise Parker. MLP is great at everything (except of course, for mating with Billy Crudup). Ugly Betty is ABCs dream program, combining a bad story with something hispanic.
Actor in a Television Series, Drama: Patrick Dempsey for "Grey's Anatomy", Michael C. Hall for "Dexter", Hugh Laurie for "House M.D.", Bill Paxton for "Big Love", Kiefer Sutherland for "24" Who Will Win: Hugh Laurie Who Should Win: Kiefer Sutherland. Jack Bauer would win in a fight versus any of these guys. I'd pay to watch him kick Bill Paxton's ass.
Actress in a Television Series, Drama: Patricia Arquette for "Medium", Edie Falco for "The Sopranos", Evangeline Lilly for "Lost", Ellen Pompeo for "Grey's Anatomy", Kyra Sedgwick for "The Closer" Who Will Win: Ellen Pompeo Who Should Win: Evangeline Lilly. Pompeo, besides having an ugly last name, is ugly. She'll win because shes part of our nations latest "Ross and Rachel", even though shes already nailed "Ross" like two hundred times. Evangeline is dating a hobbit - come on, she deserves it!
Ok, the insider info from me, so you can tell people what I think:
Everyone but the main characters in "The Devil Wears Prada" acted fantastically. Emily Blunt, Adrian Grenier, and Stanley Tucci deserve recognition that they, unfortunately, will not receive.
"Bobby" had more stars in it than quality moments. Sorry Emilio.
"Babel" is probably going to clean house at the Academy Awards.
I don't like the film "Volver" because of its title and Penelope Cruz' empty stare on the one sheet.
"Big Love" is a big hack. "Desperate Housewives" and "Lost" will be big losers as well.
Rebecca Romijn is gonna marry Jerry O'Connell because he still has those spray paint cans that can make him fly.
So listen up yall, copy and paste the nominations I listed here and send me your picks for the Golden Globes. The winner will get the chance to be interviewed by me! Ill post the glory on this very site. So think hard about the list and choose wisely. Dont end up like this guy:
Ill worry about making rules for a tiebreaker if I actually get more than one submission. Ha. Good luck!
The world has lost another amazing person: Peter Boyle. He will be missed, big time.
A moment of silence for him, his family and his friends...
Back to some rambling...
When the hell will they start stapling newspapers together. I'm tired of having those things fall apart on me. What the g.
Naughty Lyric of the day, courtesy of Chris, my Bulgarian bound friend:
"Busting makes me feel good" - Ray Parker, Jr., The Ghostbusters Theme
The Sox signed Daisuke Matsuzaka to a 6 year, $52 million deal. I'm happy, but come on - thats an s-load of money for someone who has never faced a major league opponent. In other Sox news, apparently their pitch to Rog was very impressive. We could have a very impressive rotation next season. HOLLA!
Heres the new CCM logo - quoth Jay Sherman, "It Stinks!" Why do all logos have to "move" nowadays.
Another note from Chris: Senator Tim Johnson (D - South Dakota) has been hospitalized with stroke like symptoms. Should anything happen to prevent Johnson from finishing his term, a Republican may take his place... Ooooh, the plot thickens! (but seriously, I wish him well)
Its Tuesday and that means its the day before Wednesday! What happens on Wednesday? I don't know yet, it hasn't happened! Gosh.
Sea-Tac airport in Washington state is replacing the trees they had previously removed from their grounds because of a Rabbi's threat to sue. The Rabbi was so incensed at seeing trees all over the place (there were fourteen of them), that he threatened to sue unless the airport put up some menorahs. (Umm, I'm no legal expert, but wouldn't putting up a menorah seem to resolve this situation?) After the trees brief vacay, they are going back up around the airport; Rabbi is not planning on suing them.
(Yes thats Rob Reiner, and yes it seems he's going to a Hooters restaurant. He should be a Rabbi. It just seems natural.)
Ut-oh, Israel, seems the proverbial nuclear weapon is out of the bag!
The new Major League Baseball batting practice jerseys for the 2007 season:
Derek Zoolander may be taking more left turns in the near future. Rumors have New Line Cinema blowing up Ben Stiller's cell for a possible sequel to the male modelling cult hit. My guess is this thing wouldn't be out for a few years - so for now, keep your ears to the grindstone.
Apparently Sharon Stone is better than the Norwegian royalty. You see, with Kings and Queens (but not Kings of Queens), nobody is supposed to arrive after the royal party; everyone must be in their seats before the royal party arrives. If you come to the event last, it would imply that you are the most important person at the event, which when there are royals involved would probably be inaccurate. Naturally, Sharon Stone (who would be infinitely cooler if she was played by Amy Poehler, all the time) showed up late to an event which had already admitted a Norwegian King and Queen late. Her exclamation "It's okay, I've seen Michael Douglas naked" didn't seem to help the situation either.
More SNL stuff. Heres the latest trailer for Mel Gibsons 'Apocalypto':
The Sox seem likely to throw even more money at an as of yet unproven pitcher from Japan. Some say it will be upwards of 6 years at $100 million, other say it could be 3 years at $60 million. I say it will be way too much. Lets just put $15 million into getting Roger back at Fenway.
Here are some english subtitles (see: Engrish) used in some Hong Kong like movies. My personal favorites:
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
and of course
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
Scientists in New York are reportedly close to coming up with a way to diagnose Alzheimer's disease. Finally, scientists are doing something more than creating seedless watermelons. Unless those guys are watermelon-ing in their spare time, I think they're letting the world down. Be more like those NY scientists that have actually accomplished something. Now!
Oh yeah, unless square somehow saves lives, it doesn't count. I'm talking to you JAPAN.
Alec Baldwin wants to call you with an eerie, and sometimes nearly indecent, message pertaining to watching 30 Rock; in spite of his claims to be watching me from outside my window I still think 30 Rock is an amazing show.
The iron fist of Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (whose neat little beard evokes images of those old Just for Men commercials), was heckled by some students during a speech of his at Tehran University. Ahmadinejad remained bullheaded, however, by reportedly killing all of their relatives and by cancelling spring break. No word on if he plans to make changes to rush week.
A four year old in Texas was suspended for improperly touching a teacher as he lined up to get on the bus (a spike lee joint). As he hugged her, his face was rumored to have broken the air space of her chestal region. This should come as a complete surprise to anyone who can see. Let me explain... From what I know, and I know a lot, most four year old children are tall enough where their faces hit thirty to forty inches above that region of the body - unfortunately this lady found the one four year old that happened to be under four feet tall, and as a result at eye level with her heaving, texas schoolmarmy bosom.
Honestly, some people can be so stupid. That kid doesnt know what he did wrong. Its not like he knows that that could be considered inappropriate. Unless they have evidence that shows him motorboating, we shouldn't judge, right? I'm also amazed at how stupid that school district is. They must think this kid is a serious threat to the countless boobs (and the boobs owned by said boobs) in that district. What a disappointment! As far as I'm concerned, I'll never be interested in messing with Texas again. You shouldn't be either.
Bosom is an stupid word.
This is exactly the kind of crap that will doom 'Rocky Balboa'. I mean, it's okay to have some of this stuff, but if all it turns out to be is one giant flashback/sob story, I'll be all grrrrrr-like.
Apparently Jose Mesa is still alive. Every year around this time I find out that he's still alive, and every year I'm still surprised. He's gotta be what, a thousand? (In case you're wondering, which you're not, Mesa is on the Tigers now.)
I would not recommend reading this. I mean honestly, we've all seen enough of her already.
Heres a list of names for things that you probably didn't know had names. It could be important but its probably not.
In response to Borat, Kazakhstan is going to go camping!
Apparently, the Kazakh government wants to build a big tent like thing which will have its own atmosphere, so you can go swimming any time of the year in an area that gets to be below -30 degrees celsius. Hooray! Kazakhstan is finally a vacation spot! I'll finally be able to go see the- I mean, I'll be able to get pictures of- Ok, someone tell me what the hell is in Kazakhstan besides this tent. Pictures below...
Here is a fantastic shot of a Tim Allen mullet. Enjoy.
In stupid news, Mariah Carey is suing pornstar Mary Carey because she doesn't want her fans to get the two confused. Insiders suspect the case will be won by Mary Carey because of increasing evidence proving that Mariah Carey is more pornstar than singer anyway.
Lets close with this little bit of joy. Can you imagine what he'd be like if he had won a Super Bowl?
Sorry, yo. I am going to be hardcore busy for the next few days (which explans my absence for the previous few days as well.) To ease the pain, here is a heartfelt text message from Lindsay Lohan, who probably graduated at the head of her class:
Subject: The way of the future-
Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.
But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan
Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.
Notes:
Lindsay Lohan is not and will never be my entertainer.
Al Gore had a conversation with Lindsay promising her that he'd have a conversation with her. Here it is:
Lindsay: Ohmigod, I saw you on SNL, you were like, so funny. Al: Uh, thanks... You're the girl with no underwear, right? Lindsay: Hahahahaha, like no way! Thats Britney, shes so crazy. She doesnt even have a t-mobile sidekick III or a blackberry. (she "clumsily" falls onto Al) Lindsay: Don't you hate tabloids? Want to meet me at the Chateau Marmont for some sex or a red bull? We should have a conversation. Did I get kicked out of the Chateau? God, I like dont even remember. Al: Isn't that what we're doing now? Lindsay: ... Al: We'll talk later. Al: (to his bodyguard) Get that thing away from me... And get me some purell.
Lindsay's focus in the world has always been misplaced. Cocaine shouldn't be a focus. Also not a focus? Dating Wilmer Valderrama. And starring in 'Herbie Fully Loaded'.
The greatest closing line to anything exists in that message: "the way of the future". F yeah!
Oh, and I know thats not Lindsay at the top there, but it was simply way too funny a picture to hold back from the world... Enjoy.
Extra Insider Access Edition Tonight - December 5th, 2006
In 24 casting news, seems Jack Bauer will be trading his axe in for a silver spoon. You guessed it, Rick "Don't Call me Ricky, bitch" Schroder has joined the show. Apparently, he'll be on field ops with JB. No word on when Alfonso Ribeiro will join up.
I saw 'Stranger than Fiction' this weekend. Amazing. Really amazing. Will Ferrell does a fantastic job as 'Harold Crick', and Maggie Gyllenhaal actually made me change from completely hating her to quietly admiring her. I'd throw them into the Oscar ring with their performances.
I also saw 'For Your Consideration'. I hope Christopher Guest returns to his mockumentaries, even if he claims he wont make any more. That's all I'll say about that.
Apparently, Walt Disney Feature Animation has plans to produce four shorts to go before some of their future films. One of them, which could be brilliant, will be Goofy teaching how to install a home theater. If you've seen any of his past "how to" segments, things never work out the way he plans. This shows that Disney seems interested in preserving their roots, something all Disney fans have to be excited about.
In what promises to be the best selling book since "The Baby-sitters Club: The Truth About Stacey", Tori "No, this isn't a Halloween costume. Why do you ask?" Spelling has announced plans to write her memoirs. Just what a silicone inflated, horrible actress like Tori Spelling could have to write about, is beyond me. Here's a stab at it:
Spelling Tori Spelling: The Tori Spelling sTori
Dear Journle,
Today, my daddy left me $1 million dollars. I'm like, totally, like, excited. I haven't really had a career since I whined around on Beverly Hills 90210. I wonder what Brian Green is doing? His initials spell BAG. I'm like totally going to like, like, buy a new bag with my $1 million. Wait, am I currently married? or divorced. I don't know.
Dear Journle,
Should I get more implants today? I had some installed yesterday, but I think I'd get an Oscar if I got a little more boob. I wonder if Oscar the Grouch ever got an Oscar. He deserves one. I love the color green. Isn't money green? Green should have three E's. So should three.
We'll have to hold our collective breath until the spring of 2008 to find out what happens next...
Did you know her middle name is Davey?
If you are going to see the Leonardo DiCaprio/Djimon Hounsou/Jennifer Connelly vehicle 'Blood Diamond', you may be treated to the first teaser trailer for the fourth installment in the Die Hard series. Partially representing New Hampshire with the title 'Live Free or Die Hard', John McClane is up against cyber terrorists this time, with Mac guy Justin Long as his computer buddy. Why is he along? Because Bruce Willis doesn't use keyboards - he smashes them on terrorists. He'd never get anything done without an assistant.
Rumors are swirling around that we'll be treated to a young Jack Sparrow in the third Pirate of the Caribbean film, 'At World's End'. Dominic Scott Kay, allegedly, is set to take the role.
The MPAA has banned the international one-sheet for 'The Hills Have Eyes 2'. Replacing this,
with this -
I don't get it.
In non-film news, Prince William has a massive head! I mean look at that thing: its huge! Its like an orange on a toothpick. Its like Sputnik: spherical but quite pointy at parts. Its got its own weather system.
Also in "amazingly massive" news, take a look at Paris' feet. She should loan those out at ski resorts.
More Paris news - shes recently introduced Britney to cocaine. The two reportedly lock themselves in bathrooms for lengthy periods of time and coke it up. Another reason why they both suck.
NASA, in a move to try to catch up with science fiction films of the fifties has announced plans to build a permanent base on the south pole of the moon.
Hillary Clinton is going to run for president...maybe. The New York Post reports that Hill said "I am going to go for this", before continuing to note that "she never said she was running for the presidency of the United States...." What the g, NY Post. I mean, I know youre not a real newspaper and all, but still you could at least try to report fact based news. For all we know, the "this" she may go for could be a venti mocha nonfat latte. (holla, laura-anne!) Yeah, she can definitely handle a large.
